So this happened…

The other day I received a message out of the blue from a friend of mine, saying she was deleting me from Facebook because her new boyfriend didn’t want anyone she’d previously slept with on her profile.

(Just to give you a bit of context, we slept together once a few years ago, and whilst it was ok, there really wasn’t any chemistry there so we decided to just remain friends.)

I was kind of shocked to receive this message to be honest. This isn’t some teenager/early 20s person just figuring out relationships (and if you thought that’s who I was sleeping with when I was single in my early 30s…just…no) – this is a woman in her 30s who spent most of her 20s in a long-term relationship that…wasn’t great. She really should be able to spot red flags.

Who the hell starts dating a woman in their 30s and is scared that she has a sexual history? Ok, I’d understand if there was a jealous ex involved who was trying to sabotage the relationship, but this is a friend I bump into or chat with maybe once a month at best (I honestly hadn’t noticed she’d deleted me until she messaged me). Because the rock/alternative/geeky/interesting community in Liverpool isn’t as big as other cities, once you pass 30 there’s going to be fewer degrees of separation between people you date/sleep with if you stay in the same area. I know a few of Lady Sharky’s previous sexual partners in passing – if anything it just spurs me to be better than they were!

I’ve posted the conversation below. I’ve censored out names and addresses, but otherwise this is every message and reply as it appears in my phone. Would you have replied any differently? As a man, should have I just meekly accepted this and said “OK hun. Hope it works out”? Have you ever asked your partner to delete their friends on social media? Let me know your thoughts.

 

Be Safe and Be Sexy

Sharky

 

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3 thoughts on “So this happened…

  1. While your apparent concern is well placed what I see here is you virtue signalling while patronising and demonising a woman who has clearly found herself in a vulnerable position . You offer one piece of practical advice and even then it requested as a favour to you. You blame this woman for her predicament while sounding offended that she has unfriended you. This isn’t about you but her. *sighs* (you see what I did there) given your narcissistic tendencies in previous relationships which for the record I have only witnessed from afar but through your (and not you previous partner’s) social media I don’t think this post is about this woman at all but rather you! As for posting the messages??? Come on man? You think her partner might not see this if you swim in the same circles and that you haven’t put her at risk? Also as was the case when you published sextapes without consent, that I hasten to add can still be found online, I suspect you didn’t have this woman’s consent to post her private messages. I don’t say this to troll you but you need to look at your own behaviour both towards your current and previous partners and also your motivation in posting this. I would be curious to see your reply to what I’ve said though I suspect you’ll simply make some pithy remarks and ignore me as opposed to taking the hard look at yourself that you need to.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I do read them and process them. It was never my intention to demonise or patronise my friend. My responses and this blog entry were definitely an emotional response to being unfriended as a result of the very culture I’ve been trying to distance myself from and highlight i.e. patriarchal bullshit. I concede that I could have worded my responses to her better than I did, and in that sense I will look to modify my responses to similar messages in the future.

      I agree this post is about me – this is a personal blog after all. If I was looking for internet kudos I’d have posted on a more public forum such as Reddit or Facebook. This blog is intended to offer an insight into how I view the world, and as such it is not objective, but subject to my emotions and feelings. I will never say I am perfect, and always open myself up to criticism as a way to better myself as all people should. Your ability to call me out when you perceive I have crossed the line is not something I will ever moderate or censor, because believe it or not I do actually want to better myself.

      I take privacy very seriously. When posting content that could identify someone, I will always obtain consent of the person in question. I have issued take-down requests to websites hosting my content without permission – if you are aware of any, then by all means let me know. However, messages that are sent to me become part of my life and are therefore open to discussion on this blog. Unlike other less-scrupulous individuals, I remove all identifying features before posting. The only way individuals could be identified is if they self-identify, which they are more than welcome to do.

      Moving forward, if removing me from her life means that my friend can be happy, then I will of course accept that. I won’t apologise for expressing how I felt to her – when she messaged me, she made it about me as well (she could quite easily not have told me). I will be there for her if the guy she’s seeing turns out to be the abusive controlling dickhead he sounds like, and I hope she does follow my advice and talk to someone more professional than me about it.

      Finally, I know I’m not an easy person to understand. The character of Sharky is one I’m continuously refining. Yes, I admit there is some ego there, perhaps edging into narcissist territory (although calling me a full-blown narcissist is a bit harsh I feel). This bravado is how I deal with the world. The people I have relationships with know and (for the most part) understand this. The alternative is a shy, introverted, scared person who wouldn’t survive in this world. I’ve been that person and decided that I couldn’t continue living like that. Hence ‘Sharky’. Maybe on occasion I do go too far to overcompensate with this and for that I apologise. I will work on it in future – but if you do know me personally then always feel free to discuss it with me.

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