I hate Spotify (The soundtrack to bad sex)

Bad sex happens, even in the best of relationships. Lady Sharky got a bit upset the other night when our sexytime got derailed. Here’s how it went down. Learn from our mistake!

So Lady Sharky’s mother was in town and staying with her, so I had assumed that I would not have been invited over so they could catch up.. But Lady Sharky wanted me there, and had preceded her mother’s arrival with several pints of cider with her best friend during the day. So she spent the evening watching TV with me and her mother, not quite drunk, but permanently tipsy. (I’ve written before about the subtleties of dating a woman who likes a drink while you remain sober. It’s a delicate balance in terms of consent.). As Lady Sharky gets quite horny after a drink, it led to the interesting juxtaposition of her maintaining a normal conversation with her mother in the armchair, whilst she sent me naughty texts sitting next to me on the sofa:

We’re were watching ‘Shoot Em Up’ at my suggestion. It takes a certain amount of nerve to suggest such a film to watch with your girlfriend’s mother. She loved it however!

Once her mother retired to bed downstairs, we headed upstairs for the aforementioned “quiet” sexytime. However, Lady Sharky, in her slightly tipsy state, wanted to play a Spotify playlist on her phone.

Those of you who know me know how much I love music in general, and Lady Sharky and I definitely both enjoy sex to music. But I am strictly a CD or DVD man. I’ve always preferred physical media, and have never done downloading or streaming. The sound quality is compressed to hell, and Spotify does not pay artists what they’re worth. And the adverts! Lady Sharky just uses the basic Spotify programme, so there are ads every other song.

It was fine when I was going down on her. She’d started a ‘Greatest Showman’ playlist, but with my head between her thighs I wasn’t too conscious of it. It was only when she, in her tipsy horny state, flipped me round and climbed on top for a cowgirl ride that it became an issue. The weird ‘Greatest Showman’ playlist, which hardly seemed to have any actual songs from the musical of the same name, had started playing random-ass songs that did not go with the mood (as an aside, damn right ‘The Greatest Showman’ is a mood-setter. See the entry from our Hugh Jackman Night for pics and vids to prove it!).

What this resulted in was that every other song, tipsy Lady Sharky, not liking the song, would disembark for a minute to fiddle with her phone to find a better song, which in turn would result in another ad, and then I’d have to lube back-up because I’d dried out, and the good lube is in my flat so we only had the inferior lube…

Well I’m afraid to say that after about the third time of this happening I had to call time on the playtime. I’m not someone who easily loses the mood, but too many stop-starts will do it, it turns out.

Lady Sharky was very upset the next day, and figured she’d hurt our relationship in some way, which in turn made me a bit paranoid that she thought our relationship was based on good sex. Thankfully we talked it out and I assured her that we were fine – and that bad sex is just one of those things that happens (and that our relationship is based on a lot more than just good sex).

But yeah. Fuck Spotify!


Be Safe and Be Sexy


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