Consent Talk

So some of you will know that I no longer drink. It’s not for any religious or health reasons – it’s just that a) I don’t actually like a lot of alcohol, and b) when I did drink, I never really noticed any difference in my happiness, confidence or quality of life so it was like, “Why bother?” – I’ve mentioned before in another entry that these days I can get those things from sex anyway.

I’m not going to get all preachy – if you like a drink, I’m not going to stop you. Most people are fairly accepting of the fact that I’m not going to drink when we go out, and whilst admittedly I try and avoid overly drunk people, I generally can handle other people having a drink.

But there’s one issue that nobody talks about when you give up drinking; How do you have consensual sex when you’re in a relationship with a woman who likes a drink when you don’t drink?

The answer; It’s difficult, and something you have to be mindful of.

Saturday just gone, Lady Sharky spent the day drinking with friends while I was at work. We then went out to a local event where there was more drinking (cider for her, cola for me). Lady Sharky was pretty far gone by this point, and I made the decision that sex was not going to happen that night. This resulted in an argument – Lady Sharky can be a horny demanding drunk at times and things got emotional. I’ve learned that it can make a woman feel terribly rejected when her man, the person she trusts to sexually satisfy her (other than herself), turns her advances down. And as a man, it is very difficult to know that you’re upsetting your partner like that when you also know that you could make it go away by having sex with her.

We have talked about this in the past when we first got together. Because we are a social couple, we do like going out and drinks will be had, and in her own words, Lady Sharky uses it to de-stress. We have an agreement, based on trust, that I know when she’s crossed a line from ‘coherently drunk’ to ‘can’t consent drunk’. I guess it’s easier for couples who both drink, as the decision is made on an even level of coherence. But it becomes a different matter altogether when you factor in the fact that I don’t drink. The last thing I want is to be known as a sober guy who sleeps with drunk women – you can see how sketchy that looks when described in such fashion. (I’d like to add that we do have amazing sober sex as well!)

I’m sure plenty of men might say, “Well, she obviously wants sex and you’re in a committed relationship, I’m sure it’s ok”. But here’s the thing. As men we need to be better than that. Much like driving a car, a drunk person can be a danger to themselves and others during sex (I could make a ‘don’t operate heavy machinery’ joke here, but I’m trying to be serious!), especially during the intense sex we like to have. There will be plenty of people who will look down on me for admitting that we do have sex when she’s had more than the legal driving limit. Which is why I feel the need to explain that I do take sex off the table (figuratively, in this case) sometimes, and Lady Sharky trusts me to know when to do that.

In case you were wondering, yes, there is alcohol present in swingers clubs. Some, like my local club, are licensed, others aren’t and therefor recommend you bring your own alcohol. But all of them have a ‘zero drunkenness’ policy, for the safety of their patrons. The same should apply to your bedroom.


Be Safe and Be Sexy



2 thoughts on “Consent Talk

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