This is another one of my massive stream of conscious writing that I do during quiet periods in work. I won’t claim that it’s very linear, or indeed makes sense, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!
Lady Sharky and I were discussing our sex life, and how after 5 months it’s still consistent. We see each other 3, maybe 4 evenings a week – and we genuinely have sex every time. Furthermore, we both agree that when we live together (discussions are in the very early stages on that front), it will be pretty much 7 nights a week.
Now, I’m not quite sure what the stats are for a couple who have entered into a relationship in their 30s, both of whom work (although not to the point where either of us have a lot of money) but neither of whom have nor want children. I don’t know whether our sex levels relating to our situation are normal or above average. But the conversation turned to this idea that’s often talked about; that in their 30s, a woman experiences a sexual peak, whilst a man, conversely, experiences a sexual slump. I asked Lady Sharky via text whether she wants more sex now that she’s in her 30s, or whether her sex drive has been fairly consistent since puberty. Rather than paraphrase, I figured I’d just quote her reply text verbatim:
“Fairly consistent lol but remember – I had long stretches where I wasn’t really having sex so my libido kind of switched off. I still masturbated (regularly) but often that was out of boredom more than an actual need to take the edge off. I’ve found that the more sex I have, the more I want…”
This basically confirms my belief that we are extremely sexually compatible, as I can honestly say that I haven’t experienced what they call a male sexual slump in my 30s. I genuinely feel just as horny as I did when I was 16 (except now, you know, I’m actually having sex – I didn’t lose my virginity til I was nearly 19). And now that I feel I’ve found the right sexual partner, I too feel that the more sex I have, the more I want. There’s a part of me that definitely thinks that all men in my situation would feel the same, but I don’t really have the data to back that up. Men don’t talk about this sort of thing with each other very often. Maybe other men get blasé about sex if they have the opportunity to have it on a regular basis. All I know is that my enjoyment of sex hasn’t dissipated now that I’m in my 30s and in a relationship with a lot of sex.
I’ve been theorising as to why this might be the case. One thing I’ve identified is the fact that I stopped drinking in my 20s. This wasn’t for any religious reasons (I’m an atheist) or health reasons (I have no health issues to speak of, I drank socially, occasionally to the point of excess but I certainly wasn’t an alcoholic. Apart from anything else, I dislike the taste of most alcoholic drinks beyond beer and the occasional cider) – I simply decided that alcohol wasn’t for me any more, and that I didn’t need to have it to enjoy myself. Rather annoyingly, because it wasn’t at the time some momentous decision in my life, I didn’t make a note of when it actually was. I think it was about 7-8 years ago, but could possibly be 10 years ago, I genuinely don’t know (and in the great scheme of things, it probably isn’t important).
Now, I’m not one of those non-drinkers that gets all preachy – if you want to drink, then drink! I’m not going to stop you! Nor am I one of those people who thinks that the lack of alcohol in my system makes sex better somehow – I had great sex back when I was drinking too! I think the truth is more subtle – that I’ve replaced drinking as the fun, casual and yes, social activity that people use it for with sex in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still go out and socialise in the pub like a normal person (albeit with a pint of cola). But I’m equally happy staying in with Lady Sharky and having sex. In group situations, it’s not even about swapping any more (although the option is there between consenting couples), just having sex in a room with other people having sex, maybe with a film or some music on… a cheap fun-filled alternative to going out and getting wasted.
Lady Sharky and I aren’t quite at the ‘hosting a night in for couples’ stage yet. She’s only ever had group sex at clubs and other people’s homes, and wants our first group sex experience to be at a club where she feels more comfortable before we invite people to a more personal location like my place. Right now it’s just about trying to find an evening together where we’re both free, not ill, not tired from work, not skint, and when there’s a club night that works for both of us (harder than you might think!).
[If you’re a couple who might want to be considered for a non-swapping couples group sex night at ours in the future, you can discretely message us via our FabSwingers profile (please put ‘Sharkasm’ in the message header so we know you found us via this blog) or privately if you know me personally. Same for personal encounters – single people at our discretion]
Sex and drinking have more in common than you might think. Both are highly enjoyable. The idea that you can’t enjoy an exhilarating fun-filled night unless you’re drinking still persists. Even yesterday, someone at work felt the need to question my tiredness after the previous night by saying “But you don’t drink?” (they were definitely not the kind of person I was going to say “I was up til 3am having a massive toy-fuelled sex session with my girlfriend!” to!). Both sex and drinking require consent (you wouldn’t force someone to drink any more than you would force someone to have sex), everyone has the right to say no, nobody should be doing it when their decision-making ability has been impaired (bar staff in Britain are legally obliged to cut you off if you’re too drunk), both are addictive if you’re not careful, both should be undertaken safely, either at home or in designated establishments.
I’m being glib, but the point I’m making is that there’s no reason why sex shouldn’t be considered a fun social activity the way drinking is. And whilst there are lots of optional extras that you can add to enhance the experience of sex, by and large at a basic level I think sex is cheaper (you think about these things when you live in a working class city!). You might think that I’m being too clinical, that sex has an emotional side to it as well, but believe me, people get emotional while drinking too!
As always, my stream-of-conscious writing style has taken me away from where I started in this entry. The point I was trying to make is that the idea of sexual peaks and slumps in your 30s is not set in stone. Good sex, both in quantity and quality, is where you find it. Neither myself or Lady Sharky want to end up like Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, where Ozzy still has a high sex drive at 70 but Sharon is pretty much “Christmas and Birthdays”, leading Ozzy to do stupid things like have affairs (there’s no easy solution to their situation, and it wouldn’t be my place to suggest one).
BUT (and like Lady Sharky’s it’s a big butt – if you haven’t seen it, I think I posted a pic in earlier blog entries. It’s magnificent!)
As I was preparing the bare bones of this entry in my head, I was struck by a thought. I may have the same desire to have sex in my 30s as I did in my teens and 20s, but the amount of times I physically cum? Actually a lot less. Let me explain.
I rarely cum during sex, handjobs and blowjobs any more. This really disconcerted Lady Sharky at first – I had to explain to her that it was nothing she was doing wrong. These days, I’m not so much about the physical finish as I am about the act of sex itself. When I’m aroused, every touch, lick, suck, and thrust is pleasurable, to the point where an actual ejaculation is purely optional. Don’t get me wrong, I still do it – especially as Lady Sharky has a slight cum fetish and enjoys me cumming on her as a finale to sex. Sometimes if I take her over the edge and she uses our safeword to end things perhaps before I would have naturally ended things, I’ll cum on my own afterwards which she’ll help me with (I have a thing for my balls being fellated and played with, even if I don’t orgasm). But the amount of times I’ve actually cum whilst inside her I can count on one hand, and even then I’ll communicate with her in the heat the moment to make sure we cum close together. If she’s not close, I can slow down and delay the orgasm til later (for the record, I can have multiple orgasms, but it’s a lot easier to delay the orgasm lol). But it’s not a huge deal if I don’t cum. Last night, Lady Sharky and I had great session (albeit pretty vanilla compared to the night before) but I didn’t cum, not even afterwards. I don’t feel like I missed out on anything, because as I said, the pure act of sex is entirely pleasurable.
There’s also the fact that I love the female orgasm – there’s nothing more beautiful in my opinion than a lady in the throws of orgasm, and if I’m the one assisting in that, then it’s such a huge turn-on that I would rather focus on being that guy who assists his lady in having an orgasm than my own orgasm. And, yes, I enjoy that a lot – I know there’s a debate amongst feminists at the moment as to whether it’s right for a man to stoke his own ego by ‘giving’ a woman an orgasm, but that’s a debate for another time. I am trying to cut down on using the phrase ‘give/giving an orgasm’ though.
The idea that sex is pleasurable for me without orgasm is especially true of handjobs. Ladies, no handjob is going to give a man a better orgasm than the one he gets from his own hand. The only times I ever cum purely from a handjob is immediately after a sex session where I’ve been on the edge of finishing anyway. This again confused Lady Sharky at first, who had the idea that a handjob should result in an ejaculation, and would pump away to the point of hand cramps trying to get me to cum. It’s not going to happen, because handjobs are too linked in my head to masturbation, which is what I do when sex is not an option that particular evening. But that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy the act of a lady stroking my cock, balls and arsehole (don’t neglect the last two, ladies, but communicate with a man as to what he likes in those particular areas as everyone is different). It’s the closeness, the skin contact and the motion that are inherently pleasurable, not the orgasm. A handjob for me is something nice, like cuddling, maybe while watching a film or listening to music, that doesn’t necessarily have to lead to sex or an orgasm.
This leads onto another point; I don’t masturbate as much in my 30s as I did when I was younger, even when I’m single. In my teens and 20s, I masturbated at least once a day (2 days at most). In my 30s, it’s on average about twice a week. I wouldn’t say I have a concrete reason for this, but if I were to hazard a theory, it would be that I’m perhaps more confident, more social, more open and outgoing in my 30s (I’m old enough to not give a shit what anyone else thinks of me lol), which is more conducive to meeting women for safe, consensual, casual sex when I’m single. In a relationship like mine and Lady Sharky’s, where we don’t see each other every day, I’m often like “I’m seeing her in few days, I’ll save my sexual energy til then”. I know nothing about tantra and a lot that’s been written about harnessing ones’s sexual energies, and I’m probably the least spiritual person you’ll meet (in a religious sense at least), but these days I think a lifestyle that features occasional masturbation results in more intense sex than one in which you masturbate daily regardless. Indeed, I have been in relationships with women who couldn’t handle intense sex and would ask that I masturbate daily to keep my sexual energy levels down to a level they found more reasonable! Completely abstaining from masturbation in between sex however doesn’t work for me, as by the time I get to sex, I can sometimes be overstimulated which results in the (very) rare times when I might cum earlier than I’d like. It’s a delicate balance! I do actually sometimes masturbate a few hours before going to a sex club, where there is also a danger of overstimulation due to the sheer amount of sexual energy in the place.
When I do masturbate to orgasm, I generally use porn – so it stands to reason that in my 20s when I was masturbating nearly daily, I was watching porn daily too [I’ve written about my porn habits before, so I won’t dwell on them here. Quick refresher; I only really watch amateur homemade porn these days as it’s more real. Mainstream professional porn you can’t relate to as the actors are too perfect]. Weirdly, whilst my masturbation levels have decreased, I do still enjoy a bit of porn daily, in the same way I enjoy a bit of TV or music daily. Not in the sense of sticking a DVD in the player, or scouring the internet for a decent video. But I follow a few amateur porn Twitter accounts that post .gifs or short 2 minute clips, which I’ll watch silently on my phone at work when there’s nobody in my shop, just for a fun illicit pick-me-up. No masturbation needed – just a mental thrill of doing something I shouldn’t.
I’ll end this entry here, as my stream on consciousness will just run forever if I let it! But I would like to stress that these are my own opinions, based on my own observations and experiences as a heterosexual cis white male. I would never claim to speak for other genders, sexualities, ethnicities – or indeed for all het-cis white males! I don’t claim that anything I write about is ‘the norm’, and I can’t stress this enough; there is nothing wrong, strange, weird or bad about you if you don’t relate to anything or agree with everything I write about – even if you are a het-cis-white male! Everybody’s sex life is different and personal to them, and if you feel like sharing what works for you, then I love hearing different viewpoints. If it works for you, then enjoy it! As long as everything is safe legal and consensual, then everyone should be happy during sex – it’s not a competition.
As always, if you have and questions, comments, feedback, or just simply something you’d like to see on my blog (obviously anything involving Lady Sharky has to be run by her first, and she has full veto over any content featuring her in this blog), do get in touch, either publicly in the comments or privately.
Be Safe and Be Sexy