So on Friday night my partner let slip that sex with me is a chore, and that she only does it to keep me happy.
I don’t think anything has ever devastated me more. I’ve always striven to be the best lover I can be, to make sex enjoyable for all parties involved. Having asked her whether she wanted to watch another episode of a show we were watching, and to hear her sigh wearily and say “No, I’m tired and you’re probably going to want sex” was greatly upsetting to me.
I know plenty of guys who’d be like “doesn’t matter, have sex, stop moaning that you have a woman who wants to please you” – but that’s not what sex in a relationship is to me. It should be a shared enjoyable experience – a symbol of closeness between two people in love, as opposed to the more friendly closeness of our other partners.
So now I’m paranoid – does she have this view with all her partners, or just me? Obviously her other partners are her business, but I know she does invite them round for sex on a semi-regular basis. I’m trying to think of a time she has actively initiated sex with me and am drawing a blank, which sounds terrible in hindsight. It was something that happened when we went to bed of an evening. I’m the one who buys condoms, lube, toys and lingerie to keep things interesting in the bedroom – the only time she has ever bought anything herself was when I requested that her other lovers didn’t use my condoms, and she bought a box which also contained ribbed, dotted and tingle condoms -things she’d never hinted at being interested in before with me.
Needless to say, we didn’t have sex that night, and honestly now that I know this, I’m not sure I can ever have sex with her again. Because, whilst all the sex is consensual, it’s not right. I feel I’d be taking advantage, knowing that it’s not something she wants to do.
It’s one of the reasons I didn’t attend a social engagement that I was expected to attend with her last night (although there are other reasons surrounding that which I won’t go into here) as I was still trying to get my head around this. This is not the first time I’ve felt that I’m just being used for mental, emotional and financial support in this relationship, that sex is just something she uses to keep me on the hook.
It’s not like I get anything back – she’s never congratulated me on my successes, never acknowledged the role I’ve played in getting her career off the ground (except to blame all failures on me), never supports me in my own artistic endeavours, openly mocks me when I profess a like for something she doesn’t (woe betide me if I tell her I don’t like anything she likes though). The only time she’s ever seen me sing was when a friend literally gave her their ticket to one of my gigs and made her go – she never showed up to an important gig this summer, despite me giving her plenty of notice about it and offering to pay for a babysitter. At the start of our relationship, I genuinely had to talk her round when she would ring me threatening to kill herself and make me look after her dependants. Even though she’s now much stronger and confident in herself and probably doesn’t need support from me (except financially – I’m still funding her career) any more, I can’t bring myself to part ways. I still long for a future with her – I’m just not sure she sees one with me anymore.
We should probably talk, but I’m determined to be strong, see if she makes the first move and actually wants to fix things. If she doesn’t… I don’t know…
Sorry for this blog being a bit of a downer. Sometimes I just need to vent in a less public place than Facebook.