The Dark Knight XXX – A Live Tweeting

Recently, chanced upon a copy of the porn spoof ‘The Dark Knight XXX’ in a local adult store. I bought it for the sheer novelty value, and decided to do a live tweet of my watching it on my personal Twitter account @ClubShark. Below is a record of every tweet posted. Oh, the ridiculousness!

 

Here we go! A live tweet of ‘The Dark Knight XXX’ by . Should be interesting!

Music in these opening credits actually evokes Hans Zimmer. Picture quality superb. Bruce Wayne’s climbing a mountain…

CGI Batarang! Cut to Joker holding Batgirl and Jim Gordon hostage. Guy playing Ledger-inspired Joker surprisingly good!

Shock Horror! Batgirl is Barbara Gordon! Jim Gordon is rightly shocked!

“Heartwarming that you’re willing to take one in the back for dear old Dad!” – cracking dialogue!

Jim Gordon now naked in a cage… Joker describing how his Uncle used to molest his sister. Shit getting dark!

Cut to blowjob scene. You know, I half expected Joker to have clown pubes…

Barbara Gordon getting surprisingly into this despite being a hostage. Let’s gloss over rape implications…

Batgirl’s costume is conveniently crotchless. She’s doing the whole scene in PVC otherwise. Impressive.

Wait…is Jim Gordon being made to watch a lunatic fuck his daughter? Even Nolan wouldn’t try and get away with that!

Both actors managing to somewhat stay in character during this sex scene.

I’m liking how Joker’s still kept his shirt and waistcoat on throughout this scene. Classy.

Position change. We’ve gone from one leg on shoulder, to anal doggy, to reverse sit-down anal cowgirl.#

“You’re so gross, I can’t even look at you!” – Batgirl still trying not to enjoy herself. Again, slightly dodgy territory

Joker’s sex face is truly disturbing…

Batgirl is now lying upside down against the sofa with Joker squat-thrusting into her arse!

Joker slips out of her arse and goes “Whoopsie!!” and “Just keep fucking!” in a clown voice. terrifying/hilarious

Cumshot! Babs doesn’t look happy. Now get back to the plot!

Damn! Joker shoots Babs in the back in front of her father! “I guess she took two in the back!” This shit is brutal!!!

Not sure if Babs is alive or dead. Cut back to Bruce on the mountain. He seems distraught.

“I’m sorry Barbara” – guess she didn’t make it… End scene 1. This isn’t campy 60s Batman at all.

Cut to scene; Batman arguing with Nightwing over Poison Ivy. Nightwing trying to convince Batman of her good intentions

Batman kicks Nightwing’s arse. “I hope you know what you’re doing” and walks away. Ivy and Nightwing are a thing.

Blowjob scene. Ivy comforts a beaten Nightwing.

Apparently Ivy is releasing an antidote to cure all disease in Gotham. Do we believe her? Time will tell…

Ivy has great hair. Looks real too. Costume is pretty good. Nightwing looks like an emo kid’s superhero wet dream

You think Vivid might have invested in subtitles for a production this big.

Sex scene. Ivy has a leg up on a barrel – literally – while Nightwing moves her leaves aside to fuck her

There are some awkward penetration angles in this scene. Looking good for the camera isn’t exactly natural or comfortable

Ivy has green lipstick. But only on her top lip. Weird. Nightwing only seems to go in short bursts, still fully clothed

Reverse squat cowgirl. Ivy looked to camera – pfft! Amateur!!!

I didn’t think anyone actually said “fill me up” in real life lol

They’re fucking in an old garage/warehouse. It hardly looks clean. At least Joker’s scene was in a vaudeville theatre

That actually sounded like a real orgasm from Ivy. Her spasms suggest so. Impressive!

Weird sideways sex angle. Ivy commands Nightwing to “bury that dick deep in my pussy”.

You’d think, being a vegetarian, she wouldn’t like man meat so much. Will be interesting to see if she swallows

I kind of half expected Nightwing to cum green. I don’t know why. He didn’t cum on her face/mouth

Batman from nowhere! Tasers Nightwing. Batman releases Ivy’s antidote, but seems to leave her to die.

Batman escapes in Batmobile (looks like Nolan’s), building explodes, killing Ivy who didn’t want to end up in Arkham

Cut to; Bruce contemplating by fire in mountain cabin with glass of scotch when suddenly – Catwoman!

She’s battered and bloodied, “found you!”, then collapses to the floor.

Bruce revives her by…dabbing a towel apparently. Selina – “Gotham is in chaos”. “Nothing new!”

Conversation about how Batman needs and creates villains and vice versa. Selina – “I need you”, cut to blowjob scene

Bruce’s cock is, fittingly, the biggest so far. I’d have been slightly annoyed had it not been!

 

Again, all characters seem to be avoiding getting fully naked at all costs.

Must be wanting to get as much production value out of these costumes as possible

There’s A LOT of saliva in this blowjob.

Amazing how all these female superhero catsuits all seem to be crotchless. Bruce is fully naked for this reverse cowgirl

That does actually look like quite a nice log cabin. Vivid getting a lot of good production value on this

Those are some impressive stilettos on Catwoman’s costume. Mustn’t be comfortable to fuck in them

Sideways spoon sex. I don’t know why, but I always envisioned a Batman/Catwoman sex scene to be more erotic

You just know Christian Bale and Anna Hathaway’s would have been far more romantic. Ditto Adam West/Julie Newmar

She’s riding him now “Oh yes Bruce, fuck me harder!” This thing needs some ZZAP word effects like in the 60s lol

That’s a really prominent scrotum seam. That’s a phrase I thought I’d never say. Bruce is on top now

Bruce has a really prominent spot on his leg. You’d think billionaires could afford dermatologists

Catwoman has really tiny nipples. That seemed like a real orgasm as well!

BATCUM!!!

Catwoman describing chaos in Gotham. Bane has killed Nightwing and kidnapped Kathy Kane!

The Amazing Zatanna show. I confess I’m not familiar with this character. Seems to be a female magician

Obnoxious British character. Not sure who he is, but he’s getting some from Zatanna

Constantine I think he is? Anyway, he’s getting head from Zatanna backstage in her theatre

Hmm her top seems to be impeding her blowjob skills. I guess that’s why it had to come off…

Did they have to find the ugliest British porn actor around? Like seriously, I feel let down!

Ironically, the actor playing Constantine is apparently called ‘Clarke Kent’. That’s just confusing on so many levels

They still don’t want to get out of these costumes. This scene’s a blowjob – no sex. Probably for the best – zero chemistry

Zatanna: “And now for my next trick…” Bruce appears!: “Even for you, that line is terrible!” Suave!

Bruce has had a shave since coming back to Gotham. Gotta be clean-shaven under the cowl obviously!

The guy playing Bruce looks like some weird fusion on a genetic level of Henry Cavill and Ben Affleck lol

Obligatory ‘Batman Suiting Up’ montage. There are thankfully no Bat-Nipples

Bane holds Kathy Kane hostage. This is the least imposing Bane ever!

Batman arrives, leaping over a fence! He’s taller than Bane ffs! Fight scene is pretty good though!

Batman knocked Bane out with a stool! Suddenly, a wild Catwoman appears. She’s switched sides! Dun dun dun!

Batman/Catwoman fight scene. It’s over in one punch. Batman goes to untie Kane. She stabs him!!!

Bane breaks Batman’s back. Kathy Kane, Selina Kyle and Bane – threesome time!!!

The Zimmer-esque music is back to introduce the threesome!

Oh come on, Bane would surely have a bigger cock than Batman! Apparently not…

When it’s not her turn sucking the cock, Selina just seems to stroke Kathy’s legs…

Bane is bending Catwoman over a box helpfully labelled ‘Explosives’ and fucks her while Kane masturbates. As you do

Kane wants in on the action and makes Catwoman eat her out while getting fucked on the explosives

It’s the least enthusiastic cunnilingus ever lol

What looked to be another real orgasm from Catwoman there. She and Kane make out a bit.

Catwoman sucks her own pussy juice off Bane’s cock and then it’s Kathy’s turn on the explosives box

Catwoman helpfully holding Kane down for Bane before sitting on her face. It doesn’t last long – mustn’t be comfortable

Cut to Catwoman riding Bane while Kane fucks herself with a pink dildo.

Not sure where the dildo came from – maybe Bane had one in his Army vest pockets. Resourceful

Kathy selfishly pulls Bane’s cock out of Catwoman to suck it. How rude!

They take turns sucking his cock before Catwoman climbs back on. Kathy’s knees are red raw!

Catwoman sucks her juice off Bane again before climbing back on. She seems to be getting the most of the action

Kathy’s had enough & takes her bra off. Her shirts is still round her waste though. Catwoman still in her crotchless suit

Kathy finally gets a ride, but has to ask Catwoman to guide Bane’s cock into her. We’ve all been there!

Kathy Kane, did you know, has two swan tattoos on her lower torso

Kane sucks Bane’s cock while Catwoman sucks his balls. Bane is silent through all this

Neither of the girls seem to be able to last long on Bane’s cock. They switch frequently

More real orgasm from Catwoman, and then it’s a very unimpressive cumshot. The girls have to make out to sell it

Cut to one shot of a dead Batman then credits!!! They actually killed Batman! This film was surprisingly dark

And that’s that. I can’t claim to have been very aroused by it, but that’s partly because I’d just had sex with my partner before we watched it. It was worth it for the hilarity value. Wish I could find more porn movie-spoofs to live tweet. The only other one the shop had was ‘Spice World XXX’. Which I might live tweet next weekend!

darkknightXXX6

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