This is a very tongue-in-cheek (cock-in-cheek?) blog entry I wrote for my old blog as a humorous response to the “Things all women with big boobs know to be true” articles you see on Facebook. It’s not meant to be taken too seriously lol.
- You get teased about it.
Yep, this happened to me growing up. The place? The changing room in school. I wasn’t, and have never been, really that embarrassed about getting undressed in front of others, even in school. In our latter years we formed a Jackass tribute group and I was Party Boy ffs! But I remember getting undressed in the changing room one P.E. lesson and was wearing some tight underwear (more on this later), when one of the other guys who I didn’t really get on with started pointing and laughing, exclaiming, “Ha! Look – he’s got a stiffy!” (erection, for anyone not familiar with British schoolboy slang).
It may not seem like much now, but back then it wasn’t exactly the greatest thing to be known as the guy who got a hard-on in the locker room. I’m sure you can imagine what teenage boys are like. The annoying thing? I didn’t have a hard-on. But when you have a large penis, even when flaccid, it can appear that your trying to suppress a certain bodily function. It wasn’t the only time I had to try and convince my peers that it was just a ‘natural bulge’. It got annoying.
- Buying underwear isn’t straightforward.
You know how bra sizes take into account the woman’s back size as well their cup size? Yeah – male underwear sizing doesn’t do that. Ladies, imagine trying to buy a bra that didn’t give you the cup size, just the back size – that’s what it can be like for men buying underwear. Most of the time we don’t even exact measurements; it’s usually just your general ‘Small’, ‘Medium’, ‘Large’ etc., with elasticated waists allowing for a range of waist sizes within each. But getting back to my point, these don’t allow for much variance when it comes to genital size (ball size becomes a factor in this too – you’d be surprised how much variation there is in that area too).
For example, I favour the boxer-brief cut of underwear and I take a 34″ waist. For most brands (oh yes, there’s no standardisation between brands either), this is usually a ‘Medium’. However, how much room there is for my meat-and-2-veg can vary quite a bit – usually it isn’t enough. This produces two possible outcomes; if the boxer has a button fly, then my cock can end up bursting through it like a vaudeville star through a curtain; if the boxer does not have a button fly, then this can lead to uncomfortable squashing. I’ve been buying large recently for the package and leg-room, but the waist feels looser.
“So why don’t you just buy loose-fitting boxers?” some of you might ask. Firstly, aesthetics – men buy underwear that they think looks good on them just as much as women – I prefer the boxer-brief cut. If I ever get into a non-sexual situation where I’m wearing just my boxer shorts, I don’t want my boxers flapping about everywhere. Secondly, as a man, I am still prone to unwanted erections from time to time. I like the snugger (there’s a significant difference between ‘snug’ and ‘squashed’) fit of the boxer brief because an unwanted erection in loose-fitting boxers is, for me, uncomfortable and obvious – two things you don’t particularly want.
- Anal sex is something you’ll rarely experience.
I’ve slept with many women. Do you know how many have been able to take my cock in their arse? Two. Most women’s arses (I have no intimate experience with men’s so I can’t say if it’s all arses) aren’t built to take large penises. Most women, upon seeing a large penis, won’t even entertain the idea of letting it anywhere near their arse lest it do some damage. One year I made a resolution to rain a partner’s arse so that she can take my cock at some point. This isn’t just me being a dominating boyfriend, saying “You will take my cock in your arse!” – she really wanted to experience it, ever since one of her friends told her that she preferred anal sex to vaginal sex. I’ve given more than one girl orgasms from anal stimulation (be it a finger or a tongue) – there are the nerve endings in that area for such a thing. But with my penis, it’s going to take some training. And if we’re going at it hard and I slip out and hit the wrong hole – which we promise, ladies, is not deliberate – that’s a session killer right there!
- “You’re too deep!/You’re too big!” is something you’ll hear a lot during sex.
When you have a large penis, it is your responsibility to make sure you’re not hurting your lady when you’re having sex. This can mean a number of things. As I’m sure you’re aware, a vagina can vary in size and features as much as a penis. In the past, I’ve had to lube my cock up before any sex with previous girlfriends – some vaginas just aren’t built to take large penises without help.
Even when you are inside her, some positions have to be checked, or are simply out of bounds. I do enjoy ‘legs on the shoulders’ piledriving sex, but vary rarely can my partners actually take that, and even when they can, sometimes it’s only after a period of yoga exercises. The girl-on-top position known as ‘The Squat’ is usually out of the question too. Even today, I’m still occasionally aware of checking my thrust depth with smaller partners. Sometimes it would be nice not to have to worry about it for a change.
- Blow-jobs are a chore for partners.
In porn, we’re often show the fantasy of deep-throating. Nobody have ever successfully deep-throated me. A lady at the club tried once and decided to cheat by trying to bend my cock – ow!!! In truth, ladies are doing well if they get half way down. Some of them, thinking that the deeper they take it, the better the blow-job (not true), will try and force themselves down on the cock, resulting in the ‘teeth-on-skin’ experience which most men don’t care for. NEVER use teeth on a penis unless specifically requested by the guy. But it’s not just length that causes problems – girth too can result in sore jaws. These days I don’t generally ask ladies to perform oral on me during casual encounters. In more serious relationships, I’ll take them to blow-job school! I’ll write another blog about that at some point in the future.
- A lot of condoms aren’t comfortable.
I’ve written about finding the correct size condom for you before on this blog. I favour the Durex ‘Easy-On’ brand, which are slightly wider. That’s great for normal sex, but flavoured condoms for oral sex? Generally, they’re never designed for the larger penis. I do use them at the clubs and with a partner who especially loves banana-flavoured condoms. But I never use them for sex because they’re too tight (you should always switch to a new condom if you’ve been using one for oral sex anyway).
- You never fully believe you’re that big, because there’s always someone bigger.
One of the reasons I feel secure enough to write an entry like this is because I’ve been re-assured by many women that I am of above-average size (“I’ve had black guys smaller than you!” was one of the more memorable ones). Now, this is flawed logic because it’s been established many times that women lie to their partners about size. It’s a joke in Friends, in Mallrats, and the less said about this song from The Sweetest Thing, the better. When you consider that for most heterosexual men, the only other erect cocks they’re going to see are in porn. Porn creates unrealistic standards for men as well as women, as the male actors are usually chosen for their size, as bigger cocks allow for more to be seen on camera. Now, in my lifestyle I’ve encountered enough cocks in my life to be reasonably sure that the women in my life haven’t been lying. But every now and then there’ll be a bigger one. And whilst I enjoy watching them in action, that twinge of inferiority is still there. Which is when you remind yourself, “It’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it.”
(Yes, that’s a penis-shaped lollipop. Just don’t ask what I did with it 😉 )