My sexuality has confounded many people during my life. Because I’m often a rather flamboyant character in real life, many people assume that I must be gay. It’s an assumption I’ve never quite understood, but I’ve rationalised it thus; I’ve always had a passion for life, living it on my own terms, often outside the social norm, without really caring what people think. Many (though not all) of the openly gay people I’ve known have embraced their sexuality and how it pertains to their lives with a fierce passion (perhaps because we’re fortunate enough to live in a country where they’re allowed to be this passionate). Whilst I might not necessarily share their choice in partners, it’s the passion the gay community has for life that I’ve always loved, respected and tried to emulate. I think it’s this shared passion that confuses people. I’ve thrown off so many gaydars in clubs that it became quite annoying!
In my teens up to my mid-twenties or so, I was 100% straight. Having been teased on the more homophobic schoolyards of the 90s over the possibility that I might be gay, I expended far too much energy dispelling such myths by trying to overcompensate.
Someone posed the fair question in a comment of one of my earlier blogs as to whether my fetish for seeing my partners fuck other guys is a reflection on perhaps a desire for the male form myself. I can’t say that’s really the case, but in the last 6 or 7 years ago, I’ve noticed that my rigid heterosexuality has become a lot more relaxed. When people enquire as to my sexuality these days, I’ve adopted the somewhat Douglas Adams-esque description, ‘Mostly Straight’. I do occasionally find men attractive – the one most of my friends know about is John Travolta circa Grease/Saturday Night Fever. Travolta is beautiful in those films. Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park is another one – he was the first nerd sex symbol I’d ever encountered in my lifetime.
Beyond the drunken (or these days, not so drunken lol) snogs on nights out, my experiences with men have been very limited. Once, during a threesome with another guy, my partner at the time and I asked him to perform ‘coitalingus’, where someone goes down on a couple during the ack of sex. Usually, the act is focussed on the woman, but one someone’s tongue is in that region during sex, it might get the cock as well. I wasn’t particularly bothered by this – I was having sex with my partner at the time, so couldn’t complain! – but the guy removed my cock from her pussy and started sucking it on its own. I put a stop to that very quickly because a) I hadn’t given him permission to do that, b) I didn’t particularly like the guy (he was someone my partner liked) and c) I was still clinging to my rigid heterosexuality.
During one of mine and another partner’s visits to our local swingers club, we were having fun next to another couple when the man in that couple reached for my penis, took hold of it, and guided it into his partner’s mouth. Again, this didn’t bother me – although it was the first (and to my recollection, only) time a man has held my erect cock, it was to facilitate a mainly heterosexual act.
I guess that’s what this lifestyle does; it de-sensitises your hetero-mind to the sight of an erect penis to the point where playing with one wouldn’t be a particularly big deal. Obviously there’s a lot more to sexuality than what genitalia you play with. I wouldn’t solely date a man – as a package I find women more attractive, physically, mentally and emotionally. In sexual situations, I’m happy to play with men as long as there’s a woman involved, and I like looking at cocks as long as there’s a vagina involved.
I am curious as to whether I physically perform with a guy. When people question what ‘mostly straight’ means, often a give a tongue-in-cheek (cock-in-cheek?) answer that if I was in a group situation and a woman was sat on my face making me eat her out, if someone else started sucking my cock I wouldn’t ask the woman sitting on my face to climb off so I could check whether the person sucking my cock was male or female. Could I have sex with a guy? In terms of being penetrated, sure. I’ve had ladies insert plugs and toys into my arse before, so the physical act is nothing strange to me. Which is why when groups of straight men ask each other whether they’d rather give or receive, I go against the grain and say ‘receive’ – the known is better than the unknown! Could I penetrate another guy? I honestly don’t know. I’d quite like to try with a willing volunteer, but I’d probably need a woman there as a ‘fluffer’ to keep me hard. Could I suck another guy’s cock? Hmm I don’t know. Again, maybe if there was a woman there to help me.
I guess one of the reasons I like seeing other erect cocks with my partners is that the sight of an erect cock still strikes a taboo nerve with my younger self’s rigid heterosexuality. And I kinda like busting taboos!